Goofy Snob Hotels: London
London's hotel scene separates old money from new money faster than a Mayfair tailor. The city offers establishments where royalty stays when visiting other royalty, where rock stars trash rooms that cost more per night than most cars, and where the concierge knows exactly which private club will accept your membership application.
Claridge's in Mayfair has been the unofficial palace for visiting royalty since 1856. The art deco interiors were designed by Basil Ionides, and they haven't changed much because perfection doesn't require updates. Afternoon tea in the Foyer costs £75 and comes with a pianist. The suites feature butler service, and the Fumoir bar serves cocktails that cost what you'd expect when you're drinking in a room that's hosted every British monarch since Victoria. This is where you stay when you want to feel like you're in a Noel Coward play.
The Connaught sits quietly on Carlos Place, preferring discretion to flash. The Michelin-starred Hélène Darroze restaurant occupies the ground floor. The spa features treatments using Aman products. The rooms blend Edwardian elegance with contemporary comfort, which is harder to achieve than it sounds. The Connaught Bar, designed by David Collins, serves martinis from a trolley and has been named the world's best bar multiple times.
The Savoy overlooks the Thames and has been hosting everyone from Oscar Wilde to Winston Churchill since 1889. The American Bar invented several classic cocktails and still serves them properly. The rooms facing the river cost significantly more and are worth it. Kaspar the cat—a three-foot-tall art deco sculpture—sits at table 13 when there are 13 diners, because the Savoy takes superstition seriously.
The Ned occupies the former Midland Bank headquarters designed by Edwin Lutyens. The building's 1920s grandeur has been converted into 250 bedrooms, nine restaurants, and a rooftop pool. The vault now houses a bar. The banking hall serves breakfast under a glass dome. This is where you stay when you want historic architecture with a members' club attached.
Mandarin Oriental Hyde Park overlooks Hyde Park and Knightsbridge, which means you can shop at Harrods and retreat to your room without getting in a car. The spa features an amethyst crystal steam room. Dinner by Heston Blumenthal holds two Michelin stars and serves dishes inspired by historic British gastronomy—including meat fruit that dates to 1500.
The Beaumont in Mayfair was designed to feel like it's always existed, despite opening in 2014. The Colony Grill Room serves American classics in a space that evokes 1920s New York. The rooms feature art deco details and Gatsby-era glamour. The ROOM sculpture by Antony Gormley sits on the facade—a habitable artwork that can be booked as a suite.
Chiltern Firehouse transformed a Victorian fire station into the hotel where celebrities go to be photographed pretending they don't want to be photographed. The restaurant, helmed by Nuno Mendes, requires reservations weeks in advance. The rooms mix industrial details with luxurious comfort. The courtyard fills with people who matter, or at least people who think they matter.
For those seeking something smaller, The Laslett in Notting Hill offers five-star service in a townhouse setting. The rooms feature vintage furniture and contemporary art. There's no restaurant, no spa, no doorman—just beautifully designed spaces and the understanding that sometimes less is more.
The discerning Goofy Snob knows that London hotels aren't just about where you sleep—they're about which bar you're seen in, which restaurant you can get a table at, and whether the concierge recognizes you on your second visit. Choose wisely.